To Conquer or Die Trying

de Debra McLain

Preface When I was five years old, I used to dance around the house, pretending I was a ballerina. I would twirl and spin, without a care in the world. Those moments of joy rarely lasted long, as there was always a boogey man hiding under the bed. My mother taught me to respect my elders, do not talk back, and never question adults’ actions. A childhood of mental, physical, and sexual abuse caused a lot of anger and self-hatred. At fifteen years old, I became bulimic and anorexic. Any time I felt that my life was out of control, I turned to my eating disorder. It was always there, promising me that everything would be okay if I just followed the rules. The problem was that the rules kept changing and I lost all control. After twenty-eight years of suffering from an eating disorder, I reached into the depths of my soul and pulled out the pain, one memory at a time. I began writing poetry as a way to release all of those words that I was not able to put a voice to. Not long after I began my healing journey, my brother and father died within eighteen months of each other. Once again, writing poetry saved me from falling into the deep pits of depression. There were days when I could barely function. I lay on my bed sobbing uncontrollably, only to wave my white flag and surrender to the pain. During this time, I discovered that the McLain surname originated from Scotland. My ancestors were from the highland clans. The motto on the family crest reads ‘Vincere Vel Mori’, which is Latin for ‘To Conquer or Die’. It is the perfect name for this book. With Gods help, I have conquered all of my mental demons, without dying. For this, I am grateful.